Between working from home, working out from home, having a good walking route with Ginger from my home, unless it’s the grocery store, I barely leave the house.
Yesterday was an anomaly. I went to three stores. Each had their own “incident”.
Bed Bath & Beyond:
We all get bombarded with their coupons. I’ve never once given them my address and yet somehow, they find me. I swear their coupons are the first piece of junk mail to come each and every time I’ve moved. I hoard them in my car so they’re always with me when I actually need to go there (fyi: they totally don’t adhere to the expiration dates. I used one from last August yesterday). Yesterday, I needed a new scrub brush (Ulysses broke ours trying to clean a muffin pan), a new spatula and a new over the shower caddy thing. 3 items and 3 coupons in my car. Destiny. Or so I thought. I had two $5 off coupons and one 20% off a single item coupon. Turns out you can’t combine the $5 off ones with the 20% one. So I said “ok, do two separate transactions then”. Makes sense, no? Bitch looked at me, VISIBLY rolled her eyes, sighed and said “are you really that cheap?” I KID YOU NOT. Apparently, I’m just a target for unbelievably rude comments lately. Usually, I’m pretty witty and quick on my toes with stuff like this. This time….I had nothing. My response was something like “um, can you do 2 transactions or not?” Lame. I’ve replayed that conversation and all the things I could’ve said about 58 times since.
Now that we’re past the frost (I hope), I was on a mission to at least get my herbs planted before leaving for Napa on Wednesday. So I walk into the garden center pushing one of those lumber carts since that was the only cart left and make my way to the potting soil. I load a 50 lb. bag onto the cart and then aimlessly push it around looking for the potted herbs. They’re nowhere to be found. So I ask the cash register person and she says they’re out in the front (past the outside checkout area). Oh, ok. I start pushing my cart with the potting soil outside to go get my herbs when she says:
“Um, where do you think you’re going with that?”
Me: “outside, to get the herbs I just asked you about” (totally confused at what the issue is).
Her: “well, not without paying!”
Me: “you want me to pay for the potting soil, then go outside and get the herbs, come back in here and pay again?”
Me: “why the hell are the herbs OUTSIDE of the paying area to begin with?”
Her: “I don’t make the rules” (picture head swaying, lips smacking, and finger pointing all at the same time)
Me: “You’ve got to be kidding. I’m clearly not running off with this potting soil in a friggin lumber cart! I just want to simply add the herbs to my cart and come back in here and pay all at once.”
Her: “You do what you like miss, but I’ll call a manager if you push that cart outside.”
Me: “Go ahead.”
All I could think about was the scene in Father of the Bride with the hot dog buns. I was George.
Luckily, I didn’t end up in jail having to apologize to my spouse through bars before getting bailed out and the manager (who she did call) basically put her in her place and agreed with me on the ridiculousness of the whole situation and the placement of the herbs in the first place.
And since that wasn’t enough action for the day, I made a final stop at Target.
No crazy employee interactions here just the pathetic, saddening fact that I think I’m the only person on this planet that walks in there and cannot for the life of me, find anything decent to wear that looks mildly appropriate for my age. I TRY to spend money in there and just can’t. I know some people would wish for this dilemma but being on the other side of the spectrum I can assure you it sucks. I want to buy a bunch of cheap clothes and cute outfits but every single time I head to that dressing room, I walk out empty handed. It all just looks like 12 year old clothes on me. And so I left with a cheap pair of sunglasses, a t-shirt and the realization that I will not look cute in Napa next week. But I’ll most likely be drunk the whole time so it probably won’t matter.
All this to say, I’m better off staying home, holed up in my kitchen, talking to my dog and making almond butter and jelly smoothies.
They don’t talk back or make me feel fashionably challenged.
- 3/4 cup almond milk
- 1 heaping tablespoon almond butter
- 1/2 scoop vanilla whey protein powder
- 1/2 frozen banana
- 1 tablespoon strawberry chia jam (or any flavor regular jam you have on hand)
- 2 tablespoons ground flax seed
- 2 tablespoons plain greek yogurt
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/4 teaspoon almond extract
- Handful of ice
- Combine all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth.